Truly Madly, Deeply
by Kamaka
Summary: The effects of 'Conversion' become painfully clear as the team is forced to face the truth. But can they accept it before it's too late? JohnElizabeth, RononTeyla
1. I'll be your dream

Thwack

Thwack

Thwack

The rhythm was so perfect that Colonel John Shepard was sure he could fall asleep. The sparring partners spun around each other in a perfect dance. No matter how far away they spun, their sticks always hit in the predictable time, like a metronome.

Teyla Emmagan spun away from the attack and brought her sticks up in an X formation, blocking her sparring partner's attack. But he was quick and withdrew, lunging again. She hardly had time to spin away again and lunge forward with a retaliation of her own. Settling herself, she adjusted her grip and rammed one of her sticks backwards, past her side. Her partner didn't see it coming and it caught him in the side with a dull thwack.

Ronon Dex forced himself not to wince as the end of the stick slammed into his hip. The throbbing ensured he'd have a bruise the next day. Biting back a curse, he twisted his stick, using it to hook Teyla's, trapping it. With a yank, he knocked it away. Once again he was surprised as Teyla's body followed it.

Teyla felt the familiar tug and hid a smirk as she let her body roll with the force of the attack. Keeping a firm grip on their entwined sparring weapons, she used all of her small form to pull the stick from Ronon's grip as she hit the ground and rolled to her feet. Catching it in one hand, she held up her three weapons with a triumphant gleam in her eyes.

"Care to go again?" she asked.

"Always," came the deep reply. Teyla threw him his weapon and assumed a fighting stance. Ronon closed his eyes and took a breath. John shifted, his hand unconsciously going to his blaster.

Teyla brought her sticks down in a swift sweeping motion, designed to render his legs useless. Ronon swept his stick in a reverse arc, knocking Teyla's out of the way. Taking advantage of her unbalance, Ronon feigned to the left and landed a blunt hit to her upper right arm, knocking her even more off balance. With a final pass, he used his weapon to pin her to his chest, arms at her sides.

"Again?" he rumbled. Teyla stiffened as she felt his warm breath on her neck. Somehow she knew it wasn't only the exercise responsible for the pounding of her heart, and it sure as hell wasn't the exercise responsible for the heat climbing up her back where it was pressed against his.

Shifting slightly, she brought one of her sticks up and slammed it into the same spot she had hit earlier. His grip loosened enough for her to drop into a crouch and roll out of the way. Getting to her feet, she brushed a piece of hair out of her eye and shifted her stance.

"Yes," she said when she was ready. Before he had time to prepare she brought her weapons forward and knocked him on the leg, forcing it to buckle. Sweeping his weapon away, she brought his other leg down simultaneously and shoved him back so he was lying flat. Straddling his torso, pinning his arms to his sides with her legs and his legs with one sword, she pressed the other to his neck.

"Again?" she mocked.

"I'm fine here," Ronon said, a smirk on his lips. Realizing what he meant, Teyla resisted the urge to plunge the stick through his neck. Getting off him, she turned around to see their audience had grown to include Dr. Elizabeth Weir and Dr. Carson Beckett. The two were wearing identical 'I-told-you-so' looks while John looked as if he had swallowed something sour.

"Do you need us Dr. Weir?" Teyla asked transferring the sticks to one hand. Out of the corner of her eye, she saw Ronon get to his feet and retrieve his weapon.

"Actually I just need Colonel Shepard and Dr. Beckett," Elizabeth said briskly, "I'll leave you two to finish," she added as John and Carson followed her out of the room. Teyla felt the heat in her face increase and tried not to cringe.


	2. I'll be your wish

**SPOILERS for CONVERSION!**

**Sheppard/Weir goodness ahead**

**88**

_His fingers were digging into her neck. His fingers, his hand, but not him, no, he was standing a million miles away pounding furiously against whatever prison he was enslaved in. He felt her sag against his hand, she was weakening and part of him relished that. The other part reared up and managed to withdraw the hand---_

_Which was all that separated him from the woman pressed against his chest. This time, her weapons were gone, but so were his. His hands grabbed her shoulders, fingers digging in as he pushed against her, causing her to gasp. He ducked his head and pressed his lips against hers—_

And sat up gasping for breath. John looked around wildly, his heart hammering against his chest. Running to the bathroom, he heaved whatever he'd eaten that day into the toilet. Trying to breath, he straitened up and dipped his hands in the cold water of the sink, splashing it on his face and using it to clean out the taste in his mouth.

Gripping the edges of the sink, he looked in the mirror, trying to focus. His eyes snapped to reptilian yellow and back to white again. Making a small noise in the back of his throat, his legs buckled and he sunk to the ground, gripping his hair tightly.

He had been to Carson many times and each time he as told it was remnants form the infection, it would pass. But truthfully he didn't know how much more time he could give it. His body had been reacting violently to the 'remnants', plaguing him with nightmares that made him physically sick.

How could he do that to her?

Tightening his grip on his hair, he didn't hear the door slide open.

"John!" someone forced cool fingers under his chin, lifting it up and forcing his eyes to meet theirs.

_His hand gripped her throat tightly—_

"No!" John threw himself backwards, crashing into the bathroom wall and pressing himself against it firmly. Elizabeth sat back on her heels, watching him with a rapidly calming expression.

This was the twentieth time.

The twentieth nightmare from an event that had happened scarcely a month ago, it was too often. She could see the strain it put on him, how he would fade off occasionally. She had set his earpiece not to turn off and had placed herself, Carson, Teyla, Rodney—hell even Ronon went occasionally—to go and wake him up.

Though more often than not they found her exactly like she did, in the bathroom curled around himself after being violently ill. She'd never admit it, but the others had taken notice how often she was the one who went after him.

He wouldn't remember this in the morning and part of her liked that.

"John it's okay," she said coming closer, ignoring his attempts to go through the wall, "John look at me," she said more forcefully, grabbing his hand with hers and pulling her collar down with the other. Gently she placed his fingertips against her neck, "You're not going to strangle me," she said holding his hand in place, "I know you, you're not."

He made a small noise, like a whimper, and lunged forward wrapping his arms around her. It was a familiar thing to her by now and she hugged him tightly, turning her face to the space between his shoulder and neck and rubbing his back gently, feeling his tight muscles ease.

"Come on, lets get you to bed," she said helping him stand and leading him to bed where she made sure he laid down, "this is just an effect, it'll pass."

"What if it doesn't?"

His voice was so clear that she drew back. He turned his eyes towards hers, looking for answers she knew she couldn't give. Tentatively, she reached out and pushed his bangs back from his clammy forehead.

"Then we'll deal with it," she said, not one to lie.

The answer seemed to satisfy his uneasy mind. His eyes closed and his breathing eased out. Rubbing her eyes, Elizabeth stood up and backed away slowly, slipping out silently. Closing the door, she leaned against it for a minuet. Breathing deeply, she forced the burning in her throat and eyes back,focusing on the fact he'd be his usual sarcastic self by morning and not remember anything.Furiouslywipingher cheek, she opened her eyesbefore pushing herself away from the wall and walking down the hallway.


	3. I'll be your fantasy

_The flowers fell down gently, each twirling before landing with a soft sound on the mound of earth. It was not tradition, but it seemed fitting. The planet shared their sadness, the sky washed in blue grey and the rain falling quietly around them. They were all there, not as military partners but as friends. _

_The grave was empty. There hadn't been enough human to bury and somehow they knew that remembering what he had become instead of what he was would be wrong somehow. It would be a betrayal, not an honor._

_Amidst all the softness, all the quiet, she stood like a statue: tall, proud and protective. Clasped loosely in her hand was a flower, the only one yet to fall. She couldn't bring herself to place it, if she did this would become real. This would be her reality, her punishment for what she had done._

_Reaching out with a steady hand, she held it over the earth and took a deep breath. _

_Inhale_

_A thousand smiles_

_A hundred glances full of silent truths_

_A kiss, filled with desperation before the urges took hold_

_The look in his eyes, the peace_

_Exhale_

_The flower dropped._

And Teyla shot up in her bed, looking around. She was not breathing hard, not gasping for breath, but her heart wsa pounding in her chest. Cautiously, she reached up to her cheek with shaking fingertips and pulled her hand away to examine the glistening droplets that decorated them.

Tears.

She was crying. Silently and quietly, giving hardly any indication she was sad at all, but she was crying. Her heart felt broken, as if someone had physically taken it and torn a hole in it. She made a small noise in the back of her throat, like whimper, and clapped a hand to her closed lips to stifle it, looking around to see if anyone had seen her moment of weakness.

Deciding no-one had, she threw the covers off and stood up, walking to the door and letting herself out. Padding silently down the hallway, she walked through countless doors until she came to the sparring room. Hoping to find solace in there, she slipped silently inside.

Standing in the center was Ronon Dex. Cautiously Teyla leaned against the wall to observe him, a small part of her feeling guilty for doing so. He was not fighting, not practicing but sitting with his legs crossed and eyes closed. If Teyla didn't know better, she'd say he was sleeping.

She did know better though, so she tried to figure out what Ronon was doing. His lips were moving, quietly forming words not meant for her ears. As she looked at him, it dawned on her exactly what he was doing.

He was praying.

She listened closer, straining to hear. Closing her eyes, she tuned everything out but his voice.

"Do you always eavesdrop?"

Teyla spun around to find Ronon towering over her. As always, Teyla was reminded of a giant feline. He moved quickly and quietly, the fact he managed to get within a breath of her was testament to that. Teyla could feel the heat from his body radiating over hers, though all she could focus on were his deep eyes boring into hers.

"Do you always pray this late at night?" she shot back before she could stop herself.

"Sometimes," he said, not drawing back, "do you come here at this hour often?"

"Sometimes," she said matching his tone. He nodded and stepped back, leaving Teyla's knees feeling weaker than she would have liked.

"I'll leave you then," he said turning to go.

"Wait," she said before she could stop herself, "I could us—I would like the company," she corrected herself. He raised his eyebrows, making her feel weak again. Then, to her surprise, he nodded and walked back over to her, settling himself on the mats. Cautiously, Teyla assumed a similar position.

"Did you have a bad dream?" Ronon asked, trying to force the mocking tone out of his voice. Teyla looked away and Ronon bit back a curse. He was used to women throwing themselves at him, the strong and silent warrior. He disliked them, naturally, but he was not used to being confused by a woman—much less one who could (and did) beat him. Seeing her look so helpless bothered Ronon more than he would admit.

"I have them too," he offered finally. Teyla looked at him, eyebrows raised in that infuriating look she gave him whenever she thought he was lying, being dramatic or getting cocky.

"Really?" she said, then felt like smacking herself. He had been on the run for seven years after watching his entire planet get Culled by the Wraiths. Of course he would have nightmares. He was just so good at hiding how he felt that she easily forgot that.

"Yes really," he said, a slight smile coming to his lips as if he found the situation amusing, "do you want too—" he trailed off, unsure of how to tell her he would listen. She saved him the embarrassment by shaking her head quickly.

"Thank you though," she said.

He searched his mind before getting to his feet and opening the weapons cabinet, pulling out two practice swords. He threw one to her which she caught automatically, shooting him a puzzled glance.

"Afraid you can only beat me with those sticks of yours?" he asked and was rewarded with a glint in her eyes as she got to her feet and tested the weight of the sword before making a lazy pass with it.

"Only in your dreams," she said as she brought her sword up to block him.

**88**

John opened his eyes, looking around his room. Slowly sitting up, he pressed a hand to his throbbing forehead and suppressed a groan. His hair was matted with sweat, even his shirt feltcoarse. Thetaste in his mouth wassovile thatit took all he had not to gag.When the room started to spin, he lay back down and cursed audibly.He could only think of three possibilities for this feeling:

One, he had been drunk. Entirely possible because he seemed to remember hugging Elizabeth and being violently sick—though maybe not in that order.

Two, he had been attacked by some creature, died and was brought back to life. When that bug had 'killed' him he'd had one hell of a headache, a bad taste in his mouthand felt the same ache in his heart.

Three, he'd had the nightmare again.

That possibility was the worst. Because if he had the nightmare again, he had gotten one of them up and made them baby sit him. He had only just discovered that Elizabeth had doctored his earpiece and that his entire team was on 'nightmare watch.'

Realizing option number three made the most sense, he threw the covers off, pulled on his cloths and grabbed his earpiece, fully intending to get a new one, go to Carson and demand answers, then go to Elizabeth and yell at her.

His plan was severely altered when he pressed the door open and was greeted with Elizabeth Weir's familiar face. He was not expecting it and actually took a step back.

"Good morning to you too," she said easily, "may I come in?"

"Sure," he said stepping aside. She walked inside and looked around before turning to face him, "I get the feeling this isn't a 'friendly' visit," he said.

"Why do you get that feeling?" she asked.

"Because you haven't said my name once."

Sighing, Elizabeth turned around and motioned for him to sit, which he did cautiously on the bed. Running a hand through her hair she tried to think of how to phrase what she was about to say in a way that would be the least painful. Turning to him, she opened and closed her mouth several times before exhaling sharply.

"I think you need to see a doctor."

"I do," John said, "the same one as everyone else—"

"Not that kind of doctor," Elizabeth cut him off, "you need to see a mental health doctor."

"A shrink?" John demanded, "why?" Elizabeth sat down.

"I don't know if you remember—it's not really relevant anyway—but you've been having nightmares, you're violently ill and usually found curled up in a corner refusing to let anyone touch you," she said in a single breath, "we're worried about you."

"We?" John asked. Elizabeth nodded, "well if something's wrong with me, maybe Carson could help?" he asked, knowing her response.

"He's tried John" Elizabeth said, using his name for the first time, "but he can't find anything wrong with you. Just got to the doctor, one session is all I ask, and see if he can't help you."

"All you ask?" he said, eyebrows raised, "that's an awful lot to ask."

"I know," Elizabeth said, dreading his response.

"Give up an hour of my terribly busy day to talk to a complete stranger."

She felt like smacking him when she saw the familiar gleam in his eye. Rolling her own, she pushed him and stood up.

"I made an appointment for you later today," she said handing him the address. He nodded, looking at it carefully before pocketing it. She stepped towards the door and felt a tug on her hand. Turning around, she was met with his eyes which had taken on a newfound seriousness.

"Thank you," he said truthfully.

"Any time John," she answered before pulling her hand away gently and letting herself out.


	4. I'll be your hope

Elizabeth sat at her desk, elbows leaning against the smooth surface. Her lower lip was caught between her teeth, a nervous habit. Drumming her fingers together, Elizabeth felt bent her head, trying to find a solution to her unknown problem.

Every solution had a problem—

Or was it the other way around?

Elizabeth was not really sure anymore. The solution was very clear. Get John help, get him back on duty and get him back to normal again. Get, get, get—get John to—Elizabeth slammed her hand down on the table, ending the train of thought abruptly as her hands stung.

"Dr. Weir?"

She looked up sharply at the Marine in front of her. Immediately Elizabeth guessed something was wrong, not that she could know from his face. Getting to her feet, she grabbed the earpiece on her desk, sliding it into her ear.

"What's the problem?" she asked zipping up her jacket.

"Dr. Beckett asked for you immediately," he said. She nodded and followed him. He led her away from the infirmary and towards the sparring room. Hiding her confusion, Elizabeth followed him to the doors where Carson was waiting with Sheppard and McCay.

"What's wrong?" she asked as the Marine departed. Her eyes flashed from Carson's face, which looked torn between amusement and worry to John's comfortingly familiar 'I-knew-this-would-happen' look to Rodney's face which had horror written all over it.

"Well," Carson said, "it depends how you look at it." He hit the door which slid open silently, "we found them like this."

"Correction, I found them like this," Rodney said shuddering slightly. Elizabeth looked into the room. On the ground were two sparring swords, cast aside rather than set down. A long tan jacket, distinctly belonging to Ronon Dex lay folded neatly on one side of the room while a shorter one lay on the other side. Her gaze traveled up before her eyebrows shot into her hairline.

Lying against one of the columns was Ronon, clearly asleep. Curled around him was Telya. His head was against the pillar, hers was on his shoulder. One of his arms was around her waist, holding her to him. One of her arms was resting on his chest.

"Why haven't you woken them?" Elizabeth asked.

"Do you want to?" Carson asked, "I'm a doctor not an idiot."

The other two had looks on their faces that said they clearly agreed with him. Elizabeth frowned and crossed her arms.

"One of you has to wake them up," she said motioning to the sleeping couple, "we have work to do."

"Why don't you do it?" Rodney demanded.

"Because I'm in charge," Elizabeth said putting her hands on her hips, "and I know better than to wake them up. You three on the other hand—" she trailed off menacingly. Carson cleared his throat.

"Look at the time, Rodney I've got to go finish that—thing," he said, "come with me."

"Uh right," Rodney said. They practically ran off. Elizabeth rolled her eyes with a mutter of the word 'men'. John hid a smile and craned his neck instead to see them still lying there, obviously happy enough to be in each others arms to throw warrior instinct to the wind. He wondered what if it would be like that wit him and Elizabeth.

Dismissing the thought roughly, he clapped his hands together, half-hoping it would wake them. It elicited a small sigh from Teyla but nothing else. Turning to Elizabeth he fixed his eyes with hers. Winking he walked into the room and picked up one of the long poles used for practice.

Elizabeth craned her head, trying to see what John was up to and keeping a safe distance from the action in case it worked and the two tried to kill him. Stepping as far back as the pole would allow, he inched it forward and poked Teyla on the shoulder.

She groaned and pushed her face into Ronon's shoulder.

John poked harder.

Teyla's eyes snapped open and she spun around, stopped dead and looked from John on the other end of the stick to Ronon who's arm was still around her waist and back again. She jumped to her feet, waking Ronon who was on his feet instantly, looking around for who he needed to kill. His eyes hit John's and he got to his feet a great deal more slowly and stepped over to them.

"John, is there something you need?" Teyla asked, forgetting the formality in her embarrassment.

"Just to have my team awake and alert," he said hiding a smile perfectly.

"Right," Teyla said, obviously flustered, "we are."

"I can see that," John said easily, "dismissed."

They both left, Ronon shooting him a look that plainly said he was an idiot. John shook his head, throwing the pole aside. Running a hand through his hair, he looked at Elizabeth who had moved inside the room and was leaning against the wall with her arms folded and an amused look on her face.

"I'm impressed," she said lightly.

"I'm late," he said walking past her, "by the way, I that ever happens to us, you have to wake up first."

He walked out, leaving her standing there with a slight smile on her face, her mind a million miles away.

**88**

Teyla walked down the corridor, heat burning in her face. Trying not to curse loudly, she felt her fists ball up and increased her pace. The last thing she remembered was sparring with Ronon, disarming him as he returned the gesture before her lack of sleep caught up with her and she sat down. He sat next to her and it felt so nice, so right. She had closed her eyes, keeping her head upright.

Ronon watched Teyla walk away and did his best to keep his face neutral. He knew better than to follow her when she was this humiliated. He hadn't missed the look in John's eyes that said he'd love to switch places with Ronon. He had been jealous at first, until he realized John's eyes were no where near Teyla.

They were on Elizabeth

He had scarcely believed it, especially considering John's kiss with Teyla, the fact he was turning into a Wraith aside. But as time went on he noticed the smiles between John and Elizabeth, their comfort with each other.

A part of him was jealous.

He wished he had that kind of a relationship with Teyla. The two of them had warrior instincts drilled so hard into them that they hardly knew how to deal with impractical things. The feelings that coursed through his veins when Teyla's head fell on his shoulder was as impractical as the feeling when he woke up with her in his arms.

And that was very.

Shaking his head, the warrior walked down the hallway, not paying attention where he was going until he looked up and found himself outside Teyla's room. Shaking his head, he turned and walked away.

**88**

"Shrinks!" The word, replacing every curse-word he knew was full of anger. He was angry—no he was furious. He hated people prying in his mind, that's what he loved about Elizabeth, she didn't pry. She let him take his time and come to her with the issue, rather than hunt him down.

John froze.

Did he put the words Elizabeth and Love in the same sentence?

"Damn it!" he yelled to no-one in particular. The confusion and anger poured htorugh him. Dimly he realized that the anger was too exaggerated. He gasped and ripped back his sleeve. It felt like Ronon had taken his gun and fired on 'kill' into his elbow. Clutching it to his chest, his knees buckled and he collapsed to the floor.

Ronon was walking down the hallway, trying to put as much distance between himself and his confused emotions which he hoped he left at the door of Teyla's quarters. Because of this, he did not see John until he was literally underfoot.

His eyes widening, he fell to his knees in front of the man. Pressing two fingers to his neck, he closed his eyes. Grabbing John in his arms, he lifted him over his shoulder and ran down the hall.

"Dr. Beckett!" he yelled running into the room. Carson looked up, his jaw dropping. Pointing to a bed, he motioned for Ronon to lay him down.

"John," Carson said, gaining no response. He felt for a pulse, "get Dr. Weir down here now!" he yelled at one of the marines. He thrust an air mask into Ronon's hands and began compressing John's chest while an assistant got the crash cart.

"Come on John," he muttered grabbing the paddles.

"Clear!" he yelled pressing the paddles to his chest. John's chest lifted off the bed with electricity. He was still a flatline. Repeating, he got no response. The third time, he was rewarded with a pulse. John drew a sharp breath, his eyes snapping open.

Carson stepped back.

They were reptilian and yellow. His eyelids closed in an exaggerated blink and he opened his eyes which were once again brown. Exhaling, Carson bent over him. John exhaled audibly and closed his eyes, going limp. Only the heart monitor assured Carson he was alive.

"What happened?" Elizabeth asked sharply. Carson looked at her.

"You need to sit down," he said motioning, "Ronon get Teyla and Rodney please. This is something you all need to hear."


	5. I'll be your love

Carson looked at the people gathered in the room, strongly reminded of when he would have to tell families their loved ones had died. Their eyes begged answers the doctor couldn't give, no matter how much he wanted to. Trying to remain the caring but distant doctor, he forced himself to stand there in front of them, instead of falling to the ground with them and cursing every person, place or thing that could have been responsible for this.

"Could you repeat that?" Rodney asked.

"The problem," Carson said, "isn't mental as I had hoped."

"You hoped?" Elizabeth demanded standing up, "you told me that he was fine."

"I know what I told you," Carson said, "there was a next to nothing chance that the problem was biological."

"Does that look like next to nothing!" she practically screamed motioning to John's limp form laid out beside them like some sacrifice. Carson closed his eyes, begging for the strength to deal with a nearly-hysterical Elizabeth. She seemed to realize what she was doing because she clenched and unclenched her fists, breathing in and out roughly before composing her features in a serene mask.

"He's turning into a Wraith?" Rodney asked breaking the silence.

"Not exactly," Carson said, "you see, Wraiths have thoughts, they make choices, distinguish between good and bad in their own way. What John is turning into doesn't do that."

"Do you have a timeline?" Elizabeth asked, her voice tight.

"Not really," Carson said, "but from the last time, we can guess he'll begin transforming—heightened senses and strength, no control over his emotions—then the physical changes, though I imagine they'll be more pronounced this time. Then, he'll go to find his kind, to get orders. I imagine after that point we'll see him when he comes to take over Atlantis with the rest of the Wraiths."

"We have to kill him."

Everyone's eyes focused on Ronon. He was sitting calmly, as if he had just asked what they thought about the weather. For the third time that day, Elizabeth was ready to kill someone. Ronon's eyes left the woman's enraged features and focused on John's pale face which was turning slightly blue. His vitals were consistent, the blue was his re-forming pigment. Looking back at Elizabeth he was surprised to see her standing before him.

"Listen to me," she said, her voice deadly calm, "no-one is going to touch John Sheppard, least of all you. Do I make myself clear? We still don't know anything about you and the only reason you're here is because of him."

He stood up, his anger radiating from him. Elizabeth didn't even blink as he towered over her, giving her a hard look. She returned it equally, her eyes blazing. Ronon sighed, turning around he walked over to the door and pressed it open. Looking back at her, his gaze softened slightly with pity.

"If you truly loved him, you wouldn't sentence him to this fate," he rumbled before walking out of the room.

Elizabeth sat down hard, covering her face with her hands. She let her hand fall down to cover her mouth and looked at John's limp body. She noticed the blue tint to his skin and imagined his eyes, reptilian and yellow boring into her as his hand wrapped around her neck. Covering her eyes, she tried to hold back a whimper and failed miserably. Teyla gripped her shoulder tightly.

"I'll go see what I can find out," she said softly. Elizabeth nodded. Teyla walked out of the room and looked around. The unmistakably tall figure walking away was Ronon and she ran after him, skidding to a halt in front of him, her anger stripping away most of her grace. She wasted no time in pushing him against the wall.

"What the hell was that about?" she snarled, using a word picked up from listening to John.

"I was only speaking the truth," he said, his eyes not meeting hers. Teyla stepped backwards, she had experienced many sides of the warrior but this side was new to her. If she didn't know better, she'd say he was afraid.

"That's not good enough. We deserve an explanation. I deserve one," she said hotly.

"It doesn't matter," he said pushing her away and turning to go. She let out a growl of frustration and Ronon snapped, advancing on her until she was pinned against the wall. Her heart was hammering in her chest. She wanted to be scared, petrified even, she wished she was. All she could think about was his lips inches from hers and how his eyes seemed to know exactly what she was thinking—because his hands had come up to pin her arms on either side of her, which only made her heart pound more.

"I know," he said hotly, "because it happened to me."

With that he left her pressed against the wall, her heart hammering in her chest and her mid spinning. Violently she shoved herself away from the wall and looked around but he was gone. Picking a direction, she ran down the hall, cursing her lack of height and the tears clouding her vision.

She was called back abruptly by someone screaming in her earpiece. Gasping she spun on her heel and ran back towards the infirmary. Ronon was already there, a look of quiet resignation on his face. Elizabeth, Carson and Rodney all looked horrified. Teyla frowned and followed their line of vision. The infirmary looked the same as it had when she left, except for one distinct difference.

John Sheppard was gone.


	6. Be everything that you need

**I 3 Reviews (sorry, but I do. It makes me want to write more) so thanks. Here's a new chapter. Hopefully this will help to answer **Anonymous Human**'s questions and satisfy all you Ronon/Teyla junkies out there. Yes there will be John/Elizabeth later on, but not right now. Onwards**

**88**

"He's going to the Queen? But didn't Ellia kill the Wraiths?" Rodney began. Surprisingly it was Ronon who spoke up.

"Ellia was a Wraith to begin with," he said, "no matter how 'human' she seemed. Colonel Sheppard's human DNA and his Ancient Gene helps to counter the insanity. Enough so he's going to go to the Hive to Feed. He'll be captured by the Wraith who will use him for whatever they need."

"Is that what happened to you?" Teyla demanded, though it came out as a jab more than a question. Ronon didn't flinch, he simply looked at her, his eyes completely closed off. Elizabeth frowned and looked at the pair, opening and closing her mouth several times, trying to figure out how to approach the subject.

"What the hell are you talking about?" Carson demanded. Teyla flinched and looked away. Ronon closed his eyes before looking at them. Elizabeth crossed her arms, her face completely neutral. Rodney's eyes were flashing from him to Teyla and back again until Ronon thought he'd be sick if he looked at the scientist anymore. Carson was leaning against the bed his eyes focused on Ronon, patiently awaiting an explanation to Teyla's statement.

"A similar thing happened to me," he said quickly.

The reactions were not as bad as he thought. No guns were pulled, he wasn't tied up or beaten as he had worried. Elizabeth had taken a deep breath and pushed a shaking hand through her hair, Carson had flinched visibly before checking to make sure the door was secure and Rodney was still looking from him to Teyla.

"Go on," Elizabeth said, her voice steady.

"Before Sateda was Culled, I had been captured on a scouting mission on another planet. I was physically attacked by a Wraith before my unit managed to get it off. It never fed on me, but it did manage to bite me."

"You had the symptoms?" Carson questioned.

"I wouldn't call them symptoms," he said tightly, "I turned blue, my body changed—I had no control over my reaction to my emotions, everything Colonel Sheppard went through."

"What happened?" Carson asked patiently.

"I left my base and went to find food—not the normal kind, Wraith kind. I didn't know how to hunt like them so I hid aboard one of their Darts and was taken to the Hive by mistake. I was captured and the information about my planet was taken from my mind. My unit tracked me and launched an attack."

At this point, his voice got tight and pained, as if he were being tortured by speaking. His entire stance changed from defensive to weary. His shoulders rounded forward slightly and his chin dropped towards his chest as he clasped his hands. Teyla pursed her lips slightly and raised an eyebrow, crossing her arms. Carson sighed at her, knowing inside she was probably crying.

He was wrong.

Watching Ronon was comparable to having John Sheppard kiss her. It was confusing, painful and she was sure she'd have some kind of mark on her for the rest of her life. She wanted to hug him, to tell him everything would be alright, none of it mattered for it was in the past and his future was too bright. But she wouldn't—she couldn't—do that, so she tried to look annoyed and hoped she succeeded.

"I was given my Commanding officer for food. I began to Feed on him and we connected. I saw myself," his voice cracked slightly and he stopped, hiding his face, "I saw myself through his eyes," he continued, "and I realized for the first time what I had become. A member of my unit attacked the Queen, hurting her badly before he was killed. She Fed off my Wraith side, draining it to heal herself. I grabbed one of the Guards' gun and tried to kill her, but I blacked out."

For a minuet they were all silent, staring at Ronon. What surprised Elizabeth was that she didn't want to reach over and kill him. She felt a flash of pain and guilt for her earlier words. John the Colonel, Elizabeth the Diplomat, Rodney the physicist, Carson the doctor, Teyla the alien and Ronon the Specialist—that was their team and she'd be damned if some Wraith destroyed it.

"Well do you have any after effects?" Carson asked crossing his arms, "your lab work came out fine but still—" he trailed off, "Rodney where are you going?"

"He said they tracked him to the Hive," Rodney said, "since Elizabeth rigged John's earpiece to stay on and I know he's got it with him, I'm going to go and see if I can use it to find that Hive."

"Unless, do you remember where the Hive was?" Elizabeth asked. She got no response from the warrior, "Ronon," she said sharply. His head jerked up, "do you know where it is?" He shook his head, "alright Rodney, see what you can do. Carson, fill out the report that John's on strict orders for bed rest and keep that bed quarantined until we can make it look like John never left. Tell your assistants who helped that John is in that room asleep."

Carson nodded and turned to Ronon as Rodney ran out.

"Colonel Sheppard's in that room asleep," he said seriously. He turned back to Elizabeth, "anything else?" he asked, standing up to curtain off the bed.

"Ronon and Teyla get ready. When we find where that Hive is, you two are going to go and get whatever's left of John back," she said, "I'm going to go and keep Colonel Cadwell from finding out anything and using it against us."

They nodded and left. Elizabeth crossed her arms around herself tightly and looked at the curtains before spinning on her heel and walking down the hallway. In control, this was where she belonged and where she needed to be. Just focusing on a task, something to take her mind off the fact that John was off somewhere about to destroy everything they had worked so hard for.

**88**

Teyla stood on a balcony, her hair blowing around, her arms wrapped firmly around herself. She had tried several places but all seemed to want to strangle her. Her room held his eyes when he walked in telling her he was sorry for beating her, the mess hall was too crowded and the sparring room, well given recent events that was out as well. So she was on a balcony, not John and Elizabeth's balcony but a different one, it offered views of only the ocean, the city to its back.

Ronon stood in the doorway of the balcony, his eyes ignoring the view and focused on Teyla. The few tears that he had shed had dried, their streaks wiped away from his face. If anything, he looked tired, not sad. He too had tried a few places to sit and think but had failed miserably.

Mainly because every place reminded him of her until the guilt threatened to overwhelm him.

When he had come to Atlantis he had been determined to keep his secret. He had decided he'd stay there for a few days before grabbing supplies and going through the Stargate. He had never dreamed he'd find a place in the city or that he wouldn't want to leave. The fact that when he had told them the truth they hadn't locked him up or shot him where he stood was testament to that. The most painful person to tell had been Teyla.

He had hoped, as time progressed, that if he had to tell her he'd do it somewhere private and quiet, where he could make her understand. If he could convince her that he was not going to bring the Wraith down on them, he could tell the rest of them. Instead, he had to watch her try to look annoyed and fail miserably.

He was jolted out of his reverie when she turned to go. She froze as their eyes locked and her lips parted. He tore his eyes away from hers and stepped aside, ducking his head. He didn't realize she was in front of him until her boots cut into his view. Tearing his eyes from the floor, he looked into hers and was stunned to see her eyes bright with tears. At the look in his eyes, Teyla turned and fled the balcony.

She made it to the nearest room—a storeroom—and punched in her access code, throwing herself into the small space and slamming the door behind her. Leaning against the cold metal, she covered her mouth to mask the strangled sob that tore itself from her throat. Sliding down the door until she sat on the ground, she covered her head and let herself cry, cursing the pain in her heart and the look in his eyes.

On the other side of the door, Ronon closed his eyes against the burning in them when he heard Teyla sob. A hundred things flew through his mind, one was walking to the balcony and throwing himself off it if it would make her feel better. The other was finding Rodney, stealing his access code, opening the door and—

Ronon shook his head, dismissing the thought. Turning from the door, he walked away. Scarcely thirty seconds later, a tear-streaked face peeked out from the half-closed door. Biting her lip slightly, Teyla slipped out, drying the tears quickly and tiptoed over to the balcony, only to find it deserted. Shaking her head she walked towards her quarters, knowing that she would have to be ready when Elizabeth called.


	7. I'll love you more with every breath

_He looked like a girl._

_No getting around it, no denying it, the poor guy had probably been laughed out by his entire unit. However, all Elizabeth Weir could do was thank whatever genetics had made this boy look so feminine. He had come into the room on her orders, responding to her call for any tall, flexible solider in full gear. So he came inside the open doors, calling out her name trying not to sound afraid. _

_That was why she was standing beside her door, heaviest paper weight she could find in her hand._

_Her heart was pounding in her chest, this was by far the stupidest, most impulsive thing she had ever done—and that included those few rebellious moments in her early college years. But standing behind a member of her operation about to knock him unconscious was pushing it for rebellious, passing stupid and going right to insane. _

_So why was she doing it?_

_Honestly, it was for the sparks that had been starting inside her whenever John looked at her with that smirk. It was for the late nights when she would be too exhausted to stumble to her room for an hour of sleep and pass out in his bed after his nightmares, to wake with his arms around her and slip out before he could see her. It was for all those little smiles, sarcastic jokes and long glances that the two had shared. _

_Keeping her eyes open, she drew her hand back and brought the weight down. Not hard enough to kill, but hard enough so he crumpled to the floor, landing squarely on the training mat. Thanking every God she could think of for the soft pads, Elizabeth closed the door and fell to her knees beside him, undoing his cloths with deft fingers._

_She knew this was stupid, it was becoming all too clear to her mind. She almost stopped pulling on the vest before the illogical part of her mind took over and forced her arms through the sleeves. Elizabeth was nothing if not determined and right now she was very determined to get through the Gate with Ronon and Teyla. Grabbing the gun she froze, her fingers hesitating against the cold black metal._

"_What are you doing?" someone demanded through the door, "Get your act together Dawson, they need you."_

_She grabbed the gun, her hand locking around the metal as she hefted it up and opened the door, making sure the real Dawson was securely down. With her hat pulled low over her head, she made her way to the Gate room. Ronon was by the Gate, dressed darkly with an even expression on. Teyla had her eyes strait ahead and only another woman would notice the redness around her eyes._

"_You're with those three, distracting the Wraith while Teyla and I plant explosives," Ronon said. Elizabeth grunted and nodded. His eyes narrowed slightly but he said nothing, just stepped aside so she and three soldiers could go through._

Which was how Elizabeth Weir found herself being dragged down a cold hallway by two Wraiths, the other three lying dead somewhere behind her. She didn't know why she had not been Fed on, maybe it was when the Wraith ripped back her cap and discovered she was a woman. Not particularly caring due to the growing knot on the back of her head, she could only pray that Ronon and Teyla had managed to keep going.

She was thrown into a Throne Room of sorts. The walls were lit from below with ice blue light, making everything seem colder. The black stone floors did not help matters, nor did the stairs leading up to the throne, wrought of similar black stone so it looked like it was part of the floor rather than a separate entity. Her heart pounded in her chest, the adrenaline blocking out any physical discomfort.

The Queen approaching her was frightening to say the least. She was the most human-looking Wraith Elizabeth had seen, something told her she had Ronon Dex to thank for that. Dressed in flowing black robes, her white hair pouring down her back she smiled cruelly at Elizabeth. She looked at the Wraiths holding her and snapped her fingers.

They had been worried about using a Stargate on the Hive Planet, thinking it would lead the Wraith right to them. However, Rodney had pointed out that if the Wraiths had John Sheppard they were as good as found anyway. So Ronon and Teyla had been given enough explosive devices to destroy a small planet and the orders to do just that.

The Wraiths threw her forward. She landed hard on her side, the stone smacking painfully against her right hip. Furiously she shoved herself up and struggled her knees, her eyes meeting the Queen's defiantly. The two silently glared at each other before the Queen let out a cold laugh and clapped her hands. Elizabeth's anger was stunned into submission as two Wraiths stepped forward with a third between them.

It was John.


	8. Truly, Madly, Deeply Do

**AN: Okay so this fic was getting a little dark, even for my mind, and so this chapter is an interlude before they leave. Just a little insight into what Carson, Rodney and Radek are doing while the four of them duke it out. Next chap. Will be back on topic and should be out by tomorrow.**

**Thanks again for the reviews, I love getting feedback!**

**88**

"Okay this is ridiculous."

"It is not!"

"No, really really ridiculous!"

"Shut up! Shut up!" Dr. Radek Zelenka screamed, about to pull his hair out at the two men squabbling in front of him. The scientist was at his wits end, up to his arms in wires, explosives and no idea what the hell he was doing it for. All he knew was that John Sheppard was unconscious, Ronon had intimate knowledge of the Wraith, Teyla was unavailable and Elizabeth was not moving from her room. Carson and Rodney arguing was not helping matters at all.

"I am trying to make some kind of device to blow up an entire planet and I have no idea what for! So, if you two could be quiet for thirty minuets maybe I could accomplish something!" he yelled slamming the wires down, resulting in a loud bang. Swearing vehemently, he grabbed his tools and went back to work. He got five minuets before the whispering started again and he whipped around.

"No it's important," Rodney said holding up his hands.

"And what could possibly be more important than the bomb?" he demanded.

"How about Ronon and Teyla sleeping together," Rodney said smirking. He dropped the tools.

"Not sleeping like that—" Carson began.

"Oh come on," Rodney said, "they were lying on top of each other on the floor," he glanced either way, "if you want, we can put you in the betting pool. You're still on for the Elizabeth/John one right?"

"How much are you in for?" he asked, glancing both ways too.

"I'm in for one hundred, he's in for one fifty," he said pulling a black book from his pocket, "that's on top of the hundred each for John and Elizabeth."

"Why more on this one?" he asked, puzzled.

"Because they were lying on top of each other," Carson said, earning looks from both of them, "what? I'm not an idiot. I know a good win when I see one."

"You are according to Elizabeth," Rodney muttered under his breath, earning a look from Carson and a mutter about Canadians, "so how much?"

"One hundred," he paused, "were they wearing cloths?"

"Barely," Rodney said.

"One fifty then," he said, "for right after this mission."

"See most people are giving it another three weeks," Rodney said scribbling his name down. Radek arched his neck and Rodney pushed the book to his chest earning a look from the scientist which he returned sternly before turning back to the wires on the table. Carson and Rodney went back to whispering, lounging and generally discussing who would win the pool that most of Atlantis had gotten in on and miraculously managed to keep from their commanders.

"It's finished!" Radek announced holding up the device causing Rodney and Carson to stare open-mouthed. It was circular and looked more like a roach-trap than a bomb.

"What is that?" Carson demanded.

"I call it the E-Bomb," Radek announced, "I modified your original design," he said to Rodney, "it makes a big explosion with very little effort," he said to Carson who nodded, "they should be able to set it off and get out before it blows."

"I'm moving my date up," Rodney announced, "for John and Elizabeth."

"Is that all you can think about!" Radek yelled, "I just made the—when are you moving it up to?" he asked suspiciously.

"Right after this," Rodney said, "I'm keeping the date for Ronon and Teyla."

"Why them?" Radek demanded, putting the bomb down carefully, "hmm?"

"Ah!" Rodney held the book up as the other scientist made a fruitful grab for it. Carson dove forward, catching the bomb as they knocked it off the table. Holding it to his chest, the doctor's eyes widened in horror as lights and beeps started going off. The two scientists stopped arguing with Radek having one arm around Rodney's throat and the other grabbing for the book. Rolling off him, he grabbed the bomb and quickly disabled it.

"I'm going to bring this to Weir—or whoever's running Atlantis at this point!" he announced pushing his glasses up, "before it goes off and destroys this planet!"

"Good plan," Carson said breathlessly. Radek huffed out of the room. Carson collapsed weakly against the table. Rodney got to his feet and adjusted his jacket, holding the book in one hand, "move me up another day," Carson said, "I think Radek might be right."

"For once," Rodney muttered scribbling something in his book.


	9. I will be Strong, I will be faithful

It was John.

He was unnaturally pale, his dark hair had lightened considerably. He was also thinner, his hands long and thin like spiders. His eyes had changed to a dark color, but they were human again. The scariest thing was how he looked at her: like he did not know her at all. Elizabeth was sure, in the instant when their eyes locked, she heard her heart shatter into a million pieces.

Choking back her tears, she shoved herself up from when her knees had buckled. Taking a deep breath, she let her fists clench and her nails dig into her palms. In her head she ticked off all the zillion reasons to be angry. How he kissed Teyla and strangled her instead, how he flirted with her but never made a move, how he took her heart with him and refused to give it back. Focusing on the rage she drew her fist back and slammed it forward, hearing it ram into his jaw with a satisfying crack.

Pivoting she brought her other fist around. He grabbed that one, and the other when she swung it again. With a low growl, he rammed her against the wall and stepped back as she crumpled. The spots dancing in her eyes obstructed her view but she still grabbed his wrists, digging her nails in as he slammed her again, praying that he would figure out what she was doing or get so annoyed he would act before she went unconscious.

'Come on,' she thought furiously. He did not disappoint her for once.

The next instant Elizabeth found both her wrists pinned above her head and dark eyes boring into hers. She sucked in air, finding it increasingly harder to breath. At the sight of her face, a look of confusion crossed his before he hid it and brought a hand forward. She met his eyes squarely.

His hand went around her neck as the confusion re-surfaced. His fingers fit perfectly on the marks Elizabeth was sure were burned into her skin. His hand trailed down the hollow of her throat, down to her breastbone where his palm lay flat against it. She met his eyes squarely, trying to stop her hammering heart.

Then they were connected.

Elizabeth saw memories of everything in John's mind, just as she was sure he saw everything in hers: High School, Grad School, Diplomatic Relations, Simon, Atlantis and himself. How she felt when he came back from that stupid suicidal mission, how he made her laugh and feel alive. How she wrote that letter to Simon telling him it was over. She saw memories of places she didn't know, of deaths she hadn't caused. She saw a string of women, as nameless as the next. She saw his anguish at kissing Teyla and at hurting her.

Elizabeth whimpered at the rush of memories and feelings. She couldn't breath or move, all she could do was stare into his eyes as he kept her upright. She felt completely helpless and once again only John could save her. Even in his Wraith state, his brow furrowed and his hands around her wrist dug into the wall behind her.

Then, time stared again and she found herself looking into familiar hazel eyes. His hand was still firmly against her breastbone and his body was pressed closely against hers. He looked up to make sure his nails didn't dig into her wrists before his eyes were on hers again. Suddenly he pulled her against him, away from the wall slightly and Elizabeth did not have to fake the gasp that came from her lips.

"Don't look," he whispered to her before throwing her aside and turning on the Wraith.

Too bad she never obeyed orders. With blinding speed John managed to take down the Wraiths before the Queen grabbed him. There was a flash of red as Ronon made a considerable dent in the Queen's stomach. Teyla was next to Elizabeth, gun drawn. Ronon and her eyes connected and he gave her a small nod before firing again into the Queen but making sure he missed John.

The Queen tightened her grip on John's neck and he gagged, grabbing at her slender wrist. She snarled and Elizabeth heard Teyla's sharp intake of breath. Dragging her eyes away from John she looked at the Queen's stomach and gasped. The wound was healing, skin pulling together just as the blue was rapidly fading from John's skin. His hair shortened and darkened, the blue ebbed away until Colonel John Sheppard was grasped in the Wraith Queen's clutches.

She threw him aside where he lay horribly still. Elizabeth scrambled over and rolled him on his back. He lay horribly still. She pressed two fingers to his neck and felt a pulse, but no oxygen. Bending over him, she titled his head, pinched his nose and breathed air into his lungs. She got no response. Furiously, she breathed into his lungs again.

'There is no way in hell I am letting you die like this,' she thought heatedly. Repeating the action, she glanced up to see Ronon fighting the Wraith Queen. She was yelling something but Elizabeth's focused mind could not figure out what. Breathing in again, she pushed air into John's lungs and prayed silently in every one of the five languages she knew that she could save him for once.


	10. Cause I'm Counting on a New Begining

He coughed.

It was choked and halting, but he coughed and that was enough for her. Breathing deeply, she forced herself away from him, pushing back the lightheaded feeling that lingered after her lips left his. Turning him on his side, she made sure he had a pulse and he was breathing before looking up to see Ronon standing over the very dead Wraith Queen.

"That was not very smart," he said dryly.

"I had to," she managed to get out. He nodded and pulled John to his feet. He was unconscious but alive, Ronon half-carried, half dragged John out of the throne room and towards the gate with Elizabeth following and Teyla covering the rear. It was a strange sight but the Wraith were sufficiently confused by the death of their Queen and made no move to attack.

"Ronon!" Rodney's hysterical voice came through the communicator, "Elizabeth's gone."

"She's with us," Ronon rumbled back, "I thought she had the best chance of finding Colonel Sheppard."

"This was your idea?" Rodney all but screamed, "why is Dawson half-dead!"

"Had to make sure she could fight, give him my sincerest apologies," he replied. Elizabeth shot him a look of deep thanks which he returned with a smile, leaving Teyla wondering why she wished a Wraith would attack. The Gate came into view and Ronon stopped.

"Here," he said slinging John between the two women, "go through, I have to finish this."

"What?" Teyla demanded, "what could you possibly have to finish?"

"Setting this," Ronon said holding up the bomb. Teyla slid John's arm off her shoulders and Elizabeth adjusted her stance accordingly. She walked up to Ronon, her eyes shining with determination.

"Get through the Gate," she said.

"No," he replied flatly.

"Ronon please. The bomb can destroy it from here—" she trailed off, "and send a large amount of debris through the Stargate," she swore under her breath, "so go set it, we'll wait here."

"No," he said, "you'll go through the Gate."

"Do not order me around," Teyla hissed, trying to stir some anger up instead of the growing dread. Ronon looked down at her, his eyes softening slightly. Not for the first time, Teyla wondered what life had been like for him before becoming a military man. Had he been more trusting, did he have a family? Did Sateda have something like John's ball games? She'd catch him at times with a far off look in his eyes, lost in some memory and wished she could figure out what it was. Dimly she realized Ronon was talking to her.

"And shut the Gate down."

"Ronon," Elizabeth said sharply, "there has to be another way."

"No," he said flatly, "go through the Gate and set I'll set the bomb. Shut it down so no debris get through."

"So you can sacrifice yourself?" Elizabeth demanded, "no. Three men have already lost their lives on this mission, I won't make it four."

"What do you suggest?" he asked.

"Set the bomb and run like hell," she said, "I'm not closing that Gate until you're through it. I'll evacuate the Gate room, but I won't shut it down."

He nodded his consent.

"Good luck," Elizabeth said and stepped through the Gate with John, leaving Teyla and Ronon alone. To her shock, the warrior bent down and picked her up, walking over to the Gate and depositing her right in front of it.

"You're not coming with me," He said flatly. Teyla opened and closed her mouth, trying to figure out exactly how to tell him she was coming with him whether he liked it or not. He solved the problem by grabbing her shoulders and pressing his lips to hers. Teyla gasped at the contact before sinking into it, her breath escaping her lips. Before she knew what was happening she was falling through the Gate and landing on the cold floor of the Gate room.

"We're evacuating the room, come on!" someone grabbed her arm and she backhanded them furiously, heading towards the Gate, ready to kill him for kissing her, then throwing her through the Gate.

"Let me through," she said, her voice deadly. The Marine wavered but stood his ground, "Let me through," she repeated, "I'm going to kill him myself! Move!"

"Teyla!" Elizabeth was beside her instantly, grabbing her with force that surprised the warrior, "Teyla come on, we have to get out of here, he wouldn't want you to die like this," she said, pulling her away from the Gate. Teyla gasped and they all froze as white light blinded them before blackness took over.


	11. A reason for living, a deeper meaning

It was funny, in a way, albeit a horribly twisted, skewed kind of way, but funny none the less. After all they had been through, it came to this. People had died on the expedition before, their names had been written and bodies, when they could be recovered, sent back for proper burial. But not now, there would be no burial. There was nothing to bury.

Elizabeth stood in front of them, head held high. She had changed her red for black and her smile for a somber look. Her spark had dimmed, everyone could see it as she spoke, her lips forming words that were more heartfelt than official. Every so often, her eyes would trail off to audience members before going back to the simply flame that replaced a coffin.

"_No."_

_John stared at Elizabeth, his face showing confusion pure and simple. It was three days after he came out of the infirmary. Three days of pacing and walking away from the door. Finally he had come to see her and asked in a single breath why she had followed him. She had looked at him in a way that John had gotten ready for her to throw her arms around him. But the look had passed, replaced by her 'I have 2 PhD's and am in Command of Atlantis' look, the one she gave Cadwell every time he spoke and the dreaded word had come from her lips._

"_What do you mean no?" he demanded._

"_You heard me," she said her head held high, "I will not go into the reasons for my actions. You and I both know them, but I refuse to fall prey to this again."_

"_What are you talking about!" he all but screamed, his 'lack of emotional control' as Carson called it, getting a hold of him. She winced and looked away before standing up so abruptly her chair spun out from behind her._

"_Ronon is dead!" she yelled slamming her hands down on the desk, "because of my lack of judgment, because I went into that Hive to save you!" she took a deep breath, closing her eyes, "it was an emotional decision and not a mistake I will make again," she opened her eyes, "so from this point on, I am Dr. Weir, you are Colonel Sheppard and that is the end of it."  
_

"_Don't do this," his voice was thick, "please don't do this."_

"_I have to," she said, her eyes bright, "my emotional attachment to you is affecting my ability to command this operation."_

_They both knew it to be true, though John thought it was helping her command this operation, turning Atlantis from a place to a home. Elizabeth did not see it that way, all she saw was Teyla's face when Carson informed them that the planet was gone and Ronon was not in Atlantis. Using that as her resolve, she settled her shoulders and looked at him, shoving the burning in her throat aside as she had done a hundred times before, and she knew she would do a hundred times more._

"_Is that clear Colonel Sheppard?" she asked, her voices steady._

_John felt his heart break when she said those words. Taking a deep breath, he forcefully reigned in his emotions, stopping the tirade of memories. When he looked at her, his eyes were full of pain but his voice was steady when he shattered her heart._

"_Of course, Dr. Weir," he replied with military ease. He stood there, until Elizabeth realized something with a sickening realization._

"_Dismissed Colonel Sheppard," she said. He nodded and left. Elizabeth turned and grabbed her chair, sliding it back in place before sitting down and bringing up work on her tablet PC, making sure she was sufficiently occupied so her mind would not wander. _

Carson stared hard at the flame, holding back his tears. Rodney and Radek were on one side, eyes red from crying. The doctor had always cried at funerals for colleagues, at a life lost. But he now to be at the funeral of a friend, it took everything to appear strong. He looked over and his eyes fell on Teyla. Before he could stop himself, tears began to fall down his cheeks. Then, he didn't see how it happened but she was crying as well, the two hugging each other.

"I'm sorry," he said, "I'm so sorry."

"No," she sobbed, "it's not your fault."

Elizabeth had stepped down and someone else had taken the lead. She stood in front of the room, with John a few seats down as a member of the Command, not as a friend. They could never be friends, not anymore. Ignoring the choking feeling in her throat, she clenched her hands in front of her in a miserable attempt at stopping them from shaking.

"_Ronon Dex came her a Satedan and left here an Atlantian, same as us. He taught us that great tragedy is not the finally, but rather the end of the first act. If one thing can be taken from his death, it is the knowledge that trust is a precious and rare commodity and without it there is nothing worth fighting for."_

Slowly people left, until Rodney, Radek, Carson, Teyla, John and her were the only ones left. Carson held an arm around Teyla tightly, tears still falling down his face. She was leaning on him and Elizabeth noticed how pale she looked, her normal vibrancy had vanished, leaving only a broken woman in it's wake. Carson seemed to know what Elizabeth was thinking because he whispered something to Teyla who weakly nodded her consent.

"_It is my deepest hope that we become stronger from this. Though it will take time and tears, I hope we learn to breath again, to laugh and smile. Not as we once did, time does not allow us that luxury, but as changed people. I believe that is what Ronon would have wanted us to do, to move on. Like he had to, and like him we will take this and become stronger. We will learn to breath again, if not for ourselves than for his memory."_

"I'm going to give her a sedative, something to help her sleep," he mouthed, leading her out of the room. Radek and Rodney nodded to them and left next, their heads bowed. Elizabeth saw Rodney tuck a black object in the pocket of his vest, shaking his head sadly. They left John and Elizabeth, staring at the flame, all that was left to commemorate their friend.

"It wasn't your fault," John said thickly, "he knew what he was doing Dr. Weir, all soldiers do."

She clasped a hand over her mouth, letting it fall to her side quickly and nodded with her eyes tightly shut as pain sliced through her. She heard his footsteps trailing down the corridor before they disappeared completely, the door closing softly in his wake. The hand returned to her mouth, in time to stifle the choked sob that was pulled from her lips, her other arm wrapped around her middle as she fell to the hard, cold ground.

"_In the end, war's casualties are not those who die, but those who are left behind to mourn." _

**The End**


End file.
